


No Longer Real

by The_Heir_Of_Time



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Suicidal!Dave, attempted suicide, i'll add them as i go along - Freeform, troll!John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:37:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Heir_Of_Time/pseuds/The_Heir_Of_Time
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm dead, you know." He whispers, still smiling. </p><p>"No you're not. If you were, I would know," you whisper back.</p><p>"You do know."</p><p>"No. You're not dead. You're just not here anymore."</p><p>"Exactly. I'm dead."</p><p>"No. You're just not with me."</p><p>"Because I'm dead."</p><p>"You're not dead!" You yell. </p><p>He just smiles and chuckles that cute laugh of his. You miss that laugh.</p><p>"Yes. I am."</p><p>A large crack appears on John and everything in the apartment room around you. The floor and bed crumble under you, and John falls into nothingness. You don't do anything because you can't . So you just watch as he disappears all over again. </p><p>And you still can't do anything about it.</p><p>"John!" You yell, sitting up and panting, clutching your sweaty chest.</p><p>You instinctively look to your left, hoping to see him waking up and then proceeding to cuddle and shoosh you, telling you it'll be alright.</p><p>But no such event occurs.</p><p>John still isn't there, and this bed feels as empty as its ever been.</p><p>So you cover your eyes and fall back, crying. Coolkids don't cry. But you're not cool, and you're not a kid. You haven't been either for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i originally posted this on deviantArt but i decided to post it here too.
> 
> there are so many fucking twists. proceed with caution.
> 
> so, enjoy and shit.
> 
> (there's gonna be more than one chapter, but it won't change to say there's multiple chapters.)

You see John next to you in your bed. You're both laying on your sides on top of the sheets, staring into the others eyes, stupid grins plastered on your faces.

"I'm dead, you know." He whispers, still smiling. 

"No you're not. If you were, I would know," you whisper back.

"You do know."

"No. You're not dead. You're just not here anymore."

"Exactly. I'm dead."

"No. You're just not with me."

"Because I'm dead."

"You're not dead!" You yell. 

He just smiles and chuckles that cute laugh of his. You miss that laugh.

"Yes. I am."

A large crack appears on John and everything in the apartment room around you. The floor and bed crumble under you, and John falls into nothingness. You don't do anything because you can't . So you just watch as he disappears all over again. 

And you still can't do anything about it.

"John!" You yell, sitting up and panting, clutching your sweaty chest.

You instinctively look to your left, hoping to see him waking up and then proceeding to cuddle and shoosh you, telling you it'll be alright.

But no such event occurs.

John still isn't there, and this bed feels as empty as its ever been.

So you cover your eyes and fall back, crying. Coolkids don't cry. But you're not cool, and you're not a kid. You haven't been either for a long time.

 

A few hours later you decide to get up and eat something which you haven't done for awhile. Eating, doing something that keeps you alive, is almost as painful as just staying that way. But the hunger is in your stomach and your chest hurts so fucking much you realize instead of having your stomach ache, and your chest feel like there's a fucking black hole in it, it makes sense to want to delete some of that pain, if you can. Even if the other pain hurts more than three thousand times as much.

You drag yourself out of your room and into the minuscule kitchen. You take out some of the "ready" pancake batter in a bottle out of the fridge and laugh. You think about the time you filled the whole damn thing with soda and told John you had to shake it before you poured it, and after he did the whole fucking thing blew up in his face. You remember when you were so tired you didn't add water to the shitty kind and after you both took a bite, you couldn't stop throwing up.

And now you're doing the same.

There's nothing in your stomach, you know, but you throw it up anyways. However the hell that works. Just thinking about this, the memories, makes you throw up everything in your stomach until you're just heaving. Before, you considered not eating ever then spending as long as possible thinking about him and your memories, hoping eventually you'll starve to death. If you think it was unintentional, then maybe other people would, too. But it's too obvious. Dying of starvation when you have plenty of food. You don't want people thinking you were too weak to live without him. Even if you are.

You keep throwing up for awhile, until you're just dry heaving. Then you pick up the fallen bottle from the floor and pour it onto the skillet and proceed to wait until your life-sustaining shit is done cooking. You hope it lights on fire in your stomach or something once you eat it. You hope you'll get salmonella from the eggs and you under cook the pancake a little to (hopefully) increase your chances.

When its done cooking and you start to eat it, the first bite doesn't burst into flames as it flies down your throat. You doubt the eggs will give you salmonella and the undercooked pancake just tastes like a shitty, battery mess.

You start to think of batter, which leads to cake batter, which leads to cake, which leads to John's hate of cake which leads to just thoughts about John and-shit, now you're throwing up and crying again. Seems like the last ten minutes of cooking that pancake was a complete waste of time. 

You scream in frustration and half unintentionally, throw the plate across the room where it shatters against a cabinet. 

"Fuck," you sigh even if you don't plan to clean it up. 

But then you realize if Jade or Rose we're to come over and step on the shards...you don't want them in pain.

"Fuck it," you say and get up to clean it, just in case. It doesn't matter that you haven't seen or heard from any of them in years. 

You grab the majority of the shards in your two bony hands and practically throw them into the trash can. You look at your hands and they're bleeding, of course, but you don't remember feeling any pain. Maybe your heart hurts so much you can't even register pain anywhere else anymore.

You pick up the last big plate shard and dig it into your hand and drag it across. A few seconds later a thick stream of blood follows it.

But you couldn't even feel it touch you.

You clutch the glass in your hand, and without thinking, bring it to your neck and press.

Your whole body is shaking and you slice across your neck.

You wait a few seconds. Nope. Not dead. 

You keep scratching the glass repeatedly against your neck and eventually the glass just incinerates in your hand.

You claw your neck and look at your hand. No blood. No pain, either.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," you yell and fall on your knees, pulling and clutching on your hair and head.

"FUCK!" You scream and fall over.

You bring your knees to your chest and clutch them so you're on your side in the fetal position. 

Everything is silent and the only noise is your breathing and your chocked sobs.

You hear the door to the apartment creak open, and you think that someone might be breaking in. But you don't care. You just lay there and wait for them to take all your shit and leave. After a few minutes of silence you realize there's as much as a chance of it being John as being a burglar. And it doesn't sound like they're taking anything and stuffing it into bags. It doesn't even sound like there's multiple people.

You grin and stand up quickly. "John?!" You yell happily and look around.

You hear frantic footsteps and grin. You run over to where you think the sound is coming from.

Before you can get to it, a mask is smacked over your mouth and nose. You start to lose your footing and your vision gets fuzzy.

You start to fall forward and try to clutch onto the kitchen counter for support but you fall on your face anyways.

You hear a high pitched scream and wince at it. 

"What...the fuck...is going on...?" You groan and try to get up. 

You make an attempt to look at your room which you used to share with John. Where you thought you heard him.

A large man in what looks like a white swat outfit comes out. Not John. 

"Shit..." You groan and start to pass out. You hope that you won't wake up. You hope that if you do, you'll be dead and that John will be with you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is taken somewhere and things happen.

When you wake up, you immediately wince at the bright light. You look around at the new surroundings. You don't really bother to wonder where you are. You don't care.

You sit up from the extremely soft and squishy bed, yet somehow it isn't comfortable.

You place your feet on the floor which is also soft and squishy, yet more firm. You look down and notice that the whole floor looks like a giant quilt. The walls do too, except the fluffy sections are bigger and fluffier.

There's a beanie-bag chair in a corner with a short table in front of it. On the table is a small meal consisting of Mac and cheese, green beans, and milk. What, are you in school again or something?

You, of course, don't even consider eating the food. You don't plan to ever eat again.

A glint of light flashes in your eye and you look at the source. One of the many lights in the room is shining on the mirror that takes up a whole wall. On the wall to the left of the mirror, there is three lines shaped in the shape of a rectangle, the bottom line being the floor. You figure that's the door.

You walk over to it and jam your fingers in the cracks and try to pull, but the door doesn't even twitch.

"Fuck," you sigh, even though you didn't even consider it would budge. 

There's a loud beep and you jump. You look around before hearing a fuzzy voice coming over a hidden intercom.

"Hello, Dave. I am happy to see you're finally awake," you hear a very feminine voice say, and you can almost hear the fake smile in her voice.

"Finally?" is all you can think to say.

"You were asleep for a few days, Mr.Strider."

"Oh," you reply because it wouldn't make a difference if you were asleep for a few days or a few years.

"You are wondering why you are here, are you not?" She spoke calm and clear. She sounded like you were a kindergartener and she was trying to tell you why pulling someone's hair was bad.

You shrug. "I guess. I don't really care either way. I could be at the bottom of the ocean and it wouldn't make a difference."

She clears her throat. "Yes, so we got a call from some of your neighbors. They say they heard smashing and screaming and crying. They also claimed that you have tried to kill yourself multiple times, and that you were a danger to yourself and others. They say you haven't been mentally stable since your boyfriend, Jonathan, was it? Dis-"

"John," you interrupt. "Just...John."

She clears her throat again. "Yes, John. Since John disappeared a few years ago." 

You shrug again. "I guess. It doesn't make a difference. If they want me in the loony bin, that's their own damn problem. I don't give a fuck about anything anymore."

"Aren't you hungry? There is a dinner waiting for you on the table," she asks, obviously ignoring your response.

"No."

"You must be. You haven't eaten in days."

"I'm not fucking hungry," you hiss, fully aware that if you say you're not going to ever eat again that they'll think you have much worse problems than you do and they'll stuff it down your throat anyway. But you can just think about John and it'll come back up instantly.

"Where am I?" You ask before she can bring the topic back up.

"You are in a hospital."

"Where? What town?" You ask. You really don't care but besides talking to this chick, you can't do anything. And next to thinking about John, boredom is the worst thing ever.

"That information is none of your concern, David."

"I have every right to know, you bitch. And it's Dave, not David," You hiss. 

"You do have the right to know. But you do not need to know," she says and there is a loud beep, signaling the intercom is off.

"You shit face, talk to me! I don't give a fuck about what I need! I want to know! I also want to get out of here and see Rose and Jade and try and find John! I'm getting out of here!" You yell at nothing. Okay, maybe you are insane.

You hear a "thunk" noise and look over at the door, seeing it open. Before you have the chance to run out or even react, three men come in, wearing the same clothes the people who took you here did.

You try to dodge them and run out but two of the men grab your arms and pull them behind you. You can't even pull your arms and try and get them back. Fuck this, you're not the one who should be locked up in a cell. These guys are the insane ones.

The third man looks at you through the small gap in his mask. You stare at his orange eyes as he stares into your fury-filled and now shadeless red ones.

He presses a mask to your mouth and slaps the strap against the back of your head.

Instantly you feel dizzy, and there's that high pitched scream again, right in your fucking ear. Your eyes roll back and you fall on the squishy floor.

 

You usually don't dream when you sleep. You usually just hear people talking around you.

This time you hear a steady beep that stops after a few seconds and turns into a continuous beep. God, that's annoying...

You hear people shouting your name. Rose, Jade and Bro are all shouting at you. 

"Dave...? Dave!" You hear Jade yell. Is she...crying?

You feel something press against your chest, and it doesn't move for a few seconds.

 

You stir a bit and open your eyes. You're on the bed and your mouth tastes horrible.

You feel the urge to fix your hair as you try and sit up.

You can't move your arm and you realize it's hard to sit up. You look down.

Shit, those fuckers put you in a straightjacket. It isn't enough that you're trapped in a fucking cloud? And the most dangerous thing in here is the mirror which is still there?

There's that beep again. Time for a nice chat.

"Hello, Dave. How did you sleep?" She asks.

"What the fuck do you want?" You snap. You're not in the mood.

"You have a visitor."

You feel a wave of excitement splash over you. Maybe it's Bro or Jade or Rose...God you miss them...you don't get your hopes too high, though. You thought John was at your house but look how that turned out.

"Who is it?" You ask.

There's a short pause.

"Have fun," She replies, and there's the beep. Bitch.

You wait a few minutes for the "visitor" to come in. Shit, they're taking their time.

You hear the thunk of the door and look up. You expected your friends.

You expected Rose, or Jade, or Bro, but nope.

The person who walks in is move other than John Egbert, your best friend and boyfriend for longer than you can remember.

"'Sup?" you ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh, cliffhanger.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the first twist of many comes into play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might update more because i have spring break this week. might not. who knows.

John gives a small, sad chuckle and sits down on the beanie-bag chair. Your eyes don't leave him for a second, just in case he disappears into thin air again.

"Same old, same old, I guess," he replies eventually.  

You wait a few seconds before asking him.

"Where did you go?" 

He doesn't reply for a very long time, and you hope he just didn't hear you, not that he's ignoring you.

"John?" 

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" is all you ask. You figure you'll have to confront him about where he went sometime later. If you get let out. Or if he visits you ever again.

"Yeah...I'm fine," he sighs and bends over his knees, covering his eyes with his palms.

You try to stand and find it's very hard to walk on the floor without using your arms for balance. You walk over to him and bend down, not considering how difficult it might be to stand again.

He looks up and looks at you while you stare in his eyes.

"John, tell me."

"Tell you what?" He asks.

"Don't fucking play dumb with me, you know what. I'll talk to you about where you went when you're up for talking about it, okay? But I just want to know, _are you okay_?" you ask in a whisper. 

He gives a small blush at that, and you don't know why, but what you do know that it's _cute as fuck._ God, if you weren't in this situation you would just snuggle and kiss him until you were so old you needed help just to think.

He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on your lips, and you can feel your face getting hot as you close your eyes. You didn't even realize how much you missed him until now. His lips feel so familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. At least you think they do. But you can't really feel him.

You doubt the kiss lasted more than three minutes, but it felt like hours. It felt like the whole world paused itself just to ask " _God, are they done yet?_ "

You can tell your straightjacket is melting off, and you wrap your arms around John's neck. He lays back in the chair, and you mentally frown at the broken kiss. But your slight sadness immediately fades when he pulls you down and he spoons you, and god he's warm. You lay there with him for what feels like hours, and you think he falls asleep a few times. And as tired as you are, you don't. You don't want to waste a single moment with him.  

A familiar beep makes you both jump, and you feel him yawn behind your head. Jesus, he _sounds_ cute.

"Hello, Dave," the woman says. Shit, not now...

"Dave?" John whispers in your ear, and you ignore him.

"What?" You groan.

"I'm afraid John has to leave now."

Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

"No."

"Excuse me?" She asks, almost sounding offended.

"He's not leaving." 

"Yes, he is."

You stand up. "No he's not!"

"Dave..." John sighs and touches your shoulder. He sounds so sad and it almost makes you just cry right there.

You hear the thunk of the door.

No, no, no, NO.

John stands and touches your shoulder again. "Dave, I'll be back soon, it'll be fine."

"No! The reason I'm in here is because I'm insane without you!" You scream, your anger increasing by the second.

Three people rush in the room, except they're not complete strangers.

Bro and Jade each grab on of your arms and Rose pulls your shoulders back and John walks to the door and turns around to look at you.

"Wake up." 

"W...what?" You ask, and suddenly you're really tired.

"Wake up," he repeats and walks over to you.

You stare in his eyes and manually blink. You find it's allot harder than it should be to open your eyes once they closed for half a second.

He kisses you for a second and pulls away. "Wake up and remember," he whispers.

You close your eyes and they let go of your arms.  You collapse on the floor and melt through it. Then you just fall.

 

You slowly open your eyes.  Your vision is extremely blurry and you feel very lethargic. Your head also hurts like fuck. You slowly close and open your eyes a few times. The room is very bright, and you hear a steady, familiar beep to your left.

You look in front of you, past your feet, which are under a blue blanket. You see Bro, Rose, and Jade.

Bro is reading a magazine with giant headphones on, Rose is, of course, knitting, and Jade is just looking around the room.

"Fuck, my head..." You groan and rub your temples, and you feel an itch on your hand.

You see Rose and Jade jump and look over at you.

"Wait...D-Dave?" Jade asks. You missed her voice...it's been awhile since you last heard it.

"What?" you unintentionally hiss, and your head is still pounding.

"Oh my god, Dave!" She yells and sprints the short distance to your bed.

Rose throws her knitting things on the floor and stands, and you can see her hands shaking. 

Jade hugs you so tightly you wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if she broke your ribs. And even though you can't see her, you know she's crying. But why?

You glance drowsily over and Rose and blink slowly. 

She tears up.

Oh my god, what the fuck is going on?

You watch as she walks over to you and stares in your eyes, like she can't believe hers. Like you did when you saw John. She leans down and gently hugs your neck.

"Oh my god, Dave..." she says and buries her face in your neck.

You look at Bro and he glances up from his magazine and takes his headphones off.

You feel so tired right now you can't even think straight. You close your eyes but feel a sharp pain in your arm and you snap your eyes open.

He just punched you.

"What?" you growl and look at him, still not yet used to the light.

"You've been asleep for a year, you shouldn't be that tired. And  I'm not letting you go back to sleep for at least a month."

Wait, what?

"What the fuck is going on...?" you ask.

"Dave...you've been in a coma for a year and a half...and...the police still don't know where John is. They don't have a clue...I'm sorry," Rose says.


	5. Chapter 5

"Wait... _what?_ " you blurt out your exact thoughts. A...coma?

Jade pulls away from your neck and sits up on your bed while she rubs the tears away from one of her eyes.  "You were in a coma. What happened was-"

"I know I was in a coma, I don't care about why right now," you interrupt. "But what do you mean by John's missing?" you ask, looking back and fourth between the two girls, not caring who answers.

Jade swallows, and Rose looks slightly confused.

After seconds of silence you say "That was a question."

"I know, Dave," Rose responds patiently, "but I am curious as to what you mean by that question. That information is required for me to give you an appropriate answer."

You roll your eyes, and mentally swear at yourself because you're not wearing your shades. Then again, she would probably be able to tell even if you _were_ wearing them. You hate that ability of hers.

"Don't be stupid. It doesn't need an explanation, it was a simple fucking question," you try to snap but your head hurts too much.

Rose sighs. "I guess you do not remember, then."

"Remember what?!" You growl, and give a small, unhidden blush at the heart monitor beeping louder and more frequently.

"Dave, John has been missing for about three and a half years now. For a year and a half of that, you were in a coma. After John had disappeared, with not even a single clue as to where he went, you began to grow...unstable. You never left your shared apartment, and one day, we figure, you couldn't take it anymore. You locked the door to your apartment and then locked the bathroom door. You swallowed about a whole container of painkiller. Fortunately, you did not die. Unfortunately, it caused you to be in a coma for almost two years. During the majority of your coma your hand received bad graphite poisoning, and the doctors assume when you fell, somehow your hand slammed down on a pencil, although there was none nearby...Early last evening your heart suddenly stopped beating, and the doctors still don't know why. They got your heart to start again, of course..." she pauses, like she's waiting for you to absorb the information, which you're grateful for. "And they still don't know where John is. They haven't found a note, any evidence, a bod-" she stops herself.

Your eyes widen, and you start to breathe hard. Oh god, oh shit, you can _remember_ now.

_You remember walking in your apartment and pausing before locking the door. You walked to the bathroom and locked the door there, too. You picked up a pencil and a piece of paper. You started to write shit before pausing, ripping up the paper then throwing it in the toilet. You snapped the pencil and stabbed the tip into your hand as hard as you could. Nope. It didn't even compare to the ache in your chest. In fact, you barely felt it. Just in case someone finds you before you die, you throw the pencil in the toilet and flush it along with the note._

You opened up the mirror/cabinet thing and grabbed a medium sized bottle of Advil. You screwed the top open and ate five pills at a time until the thing was empty. You then threw the container in the trashcan and sat on the toilet. Waiting. Waiting for you to die. Waiting for John to rush in and take you to the hospital before you could. Waiting to die and then see John. But you half hopped you wouldn't see him in death.

After about a half hour and no results, you sighed and stood. You walked over to the door and grabbed the knob, but your hand was shaking. Were you that terrified of dying?

You started to lose your footing. Your eyes rolled back and as you started to fall backwards, you swear you saw John come in and scream "Dave!" but it wasn't John. It was Bro, and you're happy he came right then. You wanted to see your brother one last time. But at the same time you hated that he saw you attempt suicide. You hated how, even though he would never admit it, horrified he looked.

The next thing you know, you're having a year-and-a-half long dream, and of course, you didn't really think twice about the impossible things, like the glass incinerating and your straightjacket melting off. You also didn't really question anything, because you don't question dreams, because they seem normal no matter what happens in them. But what you don't know is why you remembered John being missing and nothing else. But you're grateful that you didn't. You would have gone insane a lot sooner if you knew your suicide attempt failed.  

You wish you could go back and see John again. So you make the decision to try.

"Dave...? Dave!"

You snap back into reality by Jade's voice, and she's already teary-eyed.

"Oh my god, Dave. Stop scaring us like that!"

"W-what?" you ask, and you notice how tired you feel. 

"You were staring at nothing, and god you were shaking so bad...you look terrified. Your heart monitor was speeding up and then it just slowed down. A ton."

Fuck, you're so selfish.

"S-sorry."

"Are you okay?" Rose asks, and she looks worried. Fuck, why do you have to have such a caring, mind-reading friend?

"I will be, soon," you sigh.

Jade cocks her head and Rose's face lights up, and you can see her eyes widening in horror. Bro is back to reading, but he's not wearing his headphones.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh my god, no Dave!" Rose shouts and Jade asks at the same time.

You give a sad, tired smile at both of them.

"I can't live without him."

The whole next ten seconds feel like they last both one hundred years and a nanosecond at the same time. 

However the hell that works.

You proceed to yank every think you see off or out of your body while Rose screams at you to stop, and tries to do just that. But you both secretly knew she couldn't.

You feel dizzy when you pull out what feels like the hundredth one, and right before you pass out, you hear the heart monitor go from a steady beep, to a long continuous one, and you smile.

"I'll be with you soon, John..." you whisper and black out. Hopefully, this time, for forever.


End file.
